pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
