why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
