When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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