I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
