You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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