i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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