I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
