We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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