i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
