Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
