Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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