Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
You pole danced in your parka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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