He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I touched a dick in church today
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