apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
