I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
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