He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
