I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i dont even know how to be here
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Randomize
