My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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