i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
