I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
