i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i used baking grease as lip gloss
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
