3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
