why didn't you poke me back
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
