I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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