If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I'm having to shit out rocks
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
