Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
