The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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