Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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