There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
