Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
