So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Randomize
