Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
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