where am i from again
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
