i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Randomize
