Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
