Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
