Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
