did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
