Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
