apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
