apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
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