i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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