just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
