highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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