am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
People with herpes should wear stickers.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
