loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
