a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
