I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
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