2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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