Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
