So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
