i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
