And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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