You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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