toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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