why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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