He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it