Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Someone signed my nipple.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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